First Day Back to School

Its 9:56 am, my heart is beating out of my chest. I’m back at work, but it’s not work stress that’s making me have heart palpitations. This is Blaine’s first day back at school. My overwhelming feeling since yesterday was the persistent urge to just go to sleep and then wake up to find everything “back to normal” and not the “new normal”. But that isn’t going to happen.

 

So instead, I’m forced back into this state of hyper-vigilance. The school nurse just called. She saw Blaine for the first time this morning. He had a snack in class and his BG was high. We had already corrected it for the BG level at 6:30 am and for the carbs in his breakfast. She used a judgment call to correct for the snack only, then sent him off to PE with a juice box in case the insulin were to over correct and take his BG too low. She asked what I would have done.
 

I was like a deer in head lights. I told her, “I don’t know. I don’t know yet.” It’s like my once quick-firing brain is in slow motion. I’ve become neurotic with calculations and double checking and triple checking. Yesterday, while home with Blaine I didn’t administer a single dose of insulin without triple checking the math and then calling Brent to have him double check my work. I’ve lost all confidence in my abilities. I know I can do this, but I think my confidence is being blocked by my emotions, which seem to come and go. I just want it all to go back to normal. Desperately.